Inbetween all the worrying and crying I’m still finding blogging a source of comfort.
I’m pretty down in the dumps that I can’t get out of bed and walk around but my back is causing me a lot of pain. On Monday at St George’s in London I will be having a procedure to make my back stronger by injecting a cement type substance between the vertebra. Once I’m up and moving I will feel much better.
I have a glamorous catheter which is uncomfortable, and not that keen on the tugging sensations when being moved about. There’s something very weird about seeing your pee in a bag but not actually knowing when you’re going. Oh the carrot juice reference in the title is just something I’m trying out, to help my immune system. I’m going to look in to really helping my body this time through diet and nutrients. Although I’ve not been terrible to my body I haven’t been too kind either and been a bit cocky really. Few burgers here and there, glassss of wine, sweets. I think as time goes on you think you’ve beaten it and I’m sure diet didn’t give me cancer but can’t dwell on that now and can only give myself a good chance of a healthy body and mind.
Worrying has never helped me and I’m as determined as I can not to worry about the extent of the cancer and the D word. In a way if I had no symptoms and wasn’t told the news, I wouldn’t be worrying like this- knowledge is not just power it’s often petrifying. Nobody wants to be told their body is (and I apologise for this awful word) riddled with cancer apart from anything the fear and anger manifests itself. How dare it come back and be so sneaky? Why me? Anger can help it a way it can get you to fight and tell your body no, I’m not letting this disease reside in my body. But anger can also be negative too. As someone who’s carried a lot of anger and bitterness around for so long. It puts your body under stress and strain and it’s not good for fighting disease.
All I keep thinking about is being home on Tuesday with my lovely family and dog. I want to leave now but it’s not the right time and I have to have faith in the doctors and my dad.
I wasn’t able to tell my recently new boyfriend the news, just that I was ill and I didn’t want to see him anymore. Nobody needs this- dating a girl with cancer is such acburden and he deserves to have a free and easy life. Not to mention I don’t think being in bed out of it on morphine is great for a relationship. I’ve not given up hope on love, but I realised that my family will always be there and all the love I need and of course my friends, although I’m a lazy friend I know they are there when I need them.
Let’s be honest, we are all lazy in reaching out these days since our lives got busy and social media was introduced. I don’t things can ever go back to how they were, but mutually being there for each other is something we could all work on. We all get wrapped up in our own problems myself included and sometimes it’s a bit of a power struggle and test of egos as to who reaches out. I guess this has taught me to be vulnerable and say:
“I need you.”
It’s not that hard to say those words but society says we should be self sufficient and not be needy.