Never take notice of anyone that says that one cancer is a better cancer to have than another.

I hear this all the time. When I  spoke to people with bowel cancer they used to say coping with no breasts is better than a bag. Is it? Who knows. I’ve not been in both situations. Quite hard to hear though.

All I know is breast cancer is an absolute beast of a cancer.  Initially it seems easy to treat and you go on about your life. But does it ever really go away or just hide? They estimate 40 percent of women go on to get secondaries but it seems to me that far more are affected and there’s no actual accurate  stats. Anyway I’m not dwelling on that today but the hideous things that breast cancer has caused very suddenly in my body. 

As you know I have cancer in 2 of my vertebrae in my spine. The bones hate the cancer so they get distressed and fracture. I went to see a professor today in London who told me that if he does not operate on me soon, I will have spinal chord compression and be permanently paralysed. What the fuck?? One minute I was worried about my breasts being taken and then they’re telling me I will be paralysed. Thankfully they’re going to fix me. They’re going to put screws in my spine and mend bones with cement. The operation will be next week. I must stay for a other week in bed, no getting up to do anything. It’s boring and miserable but this operation will bring me relief and start me on my pathway to treatment. 

I should be scared but I’m so happy at the prospect of being out of pain and moving freely. If you knew how much morphine I’m taking daily you would be shocked, yet my body is used to it and it’s helping me stay comfortable.

Please don’t think breast cancer is ever a good cancer to have. You never know if it’s going to come back, then there’s pain,paralysis, blindness caused by brain mets- all possible outcomes. 

Tomorrow I’m having a liver biopsy which I hear is going to hurt a bit afterwards but the sooner this is over and done with the better. 

Some people are overwhelming me a little and sometimes I need them to back off. This is my cancer and I don’t have time or energy to censor people or think about  anything else right now. I’m sorry if that upsets people but that’s the way things are. I will talk to people in my own time and if it’s negative I will not hesitate to shut the conversation down. It takes a lot to write my blog- energy and bravery, and I don’t force anyone to read it. A blog is my thoughts at one moment in time, it’s a journey- my journey, not yours X


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