Caroline’s resurrection.

Bit of a cop-out post today just kinda reiterating what I updated on Facebook today with a little more detail. 

So for ten days I’ve been on my back in bed not allowed to get up in case of further damage to my spine.  It’s been hard, it’s been boring but I’m feeling much stronger and positive every day. 

I’ve realised so much about myself. I’m more independent than I ever thought I was and prob the most seriously ill on the ward and the least diva-ish and demanding. I always thought i was a little demanding and a diva so don’t want to lose my status, I’m sure it’ll come out soon! 

Sans trumpet blowing though on Tuesday I’m going to St George’s and will have my back operation on Wednesday by a Professor Johnson . Hopefully by Friday I’ll be home and all mended. Then treatment will start very quickly. It’s great to have plans and dates. 

The worst thing of all is having no control over your life and everything being up in the air. 

I’m eating as close to a vegan as I can and drinking lots of veg juices. I can honestly say I feel more alive and well than I have in a long time even though there’s cancer in my liver lungs and spine it’s cancer I’m going to get rid of. If anything round 2, I’m more determined and focussed than I was the first time around. I don’t wanna say it’s last chance saloon but I suppose if I’m honest it really is. The first time around I was cocky it’d had gone but the worry cloud was over me every day. I envy my sisters who aren’t in my boat but I don’t envy the worry and fear- it never leaves most people, life is tainted and never the same no matter what people may say. It’s strange that in a way I do feel scared but also a sense of strange relief. 

I finally put some make up on and bought the third nightdress of the month. Cancer may be in my body but I know that my face and my eyes sparkle and it can’t take that away from me ever.  

Happy Easter everyone. It’s very poignant for me this year as this is my resurrection too- new beginnings (and prob no chocolate eggs as a vegan now. Fuck sake!!) 😂xx