It’s never too late to be who you want to be

During my two weeks in hospital, (my new record in length of stay by the way), I’ve had a small army of people coming in mostly twice a day armed with juices and healthy foods. If I was at home and well, I would be doing it myself, but I’m not and I’m exceptionally lucky I have people who want to help.

 Nobody on my ward is a pampered princess like me haha. Everybody comments, how amazing my team is, especially regarding my dad who literally would do anything for me. 

If you’ve read my blog for a long time, you’ll know that although we are very close, my relationship with my dad is strained sometimes and we both find it very hard to show affection and we do not praise each other easily. 

My father has been through a lot in his life- losing his dad very young, losing my mother to cancer in her 50s, his mother dying with dementia. At some point in your life you must just think crikey I can’t cope with anymore hardship.  I think my cancer has hit him so hard, and I wish that I could take the pain and anguish away. He was hard with me before I suppose because it’s the only way he knew; he wasn’t going to lose someone else.

Everyday now we make effort to be kind and be affectionate and tell each other we love each other. We may be late to the party but actually it’s never too late, and as much as I wish circumstances could be different, I am so glad that we have such a close bond and I know that he is so so proud of me and that’s all I ever wanted. I’m proud of him too. I mean he is just in a different league of dads. I have been a bad daughter taking the major piss with his debit card though and buying weird things in the middle of the night online. Books, clothes, bikinis, it passes the time and he doesn’t seem to mind too much. He even bought me a new tv to watch in hospital as there are none here and it was driving me insane. 

Regardless of my situation, obviously I deserve love and care and to be spoiled sometimes but it’s important to stay grounded to not demand, and be grateful for every little thing. I yearn to be humble always and appreciate everybody and all they do.

Tomorrow I’m being discharged from this hospital and will be taken to London to have my surgery on Wednesday. I’ve climbed the first part of the  mountain. I had pain, I had scans and biopsies and I had a diagnosis. The second part of the climb will hopefully be a success and get me on way to the third- cancer treatment.  

The best way to look at it is in stages. Tiny chunks. It can be overwhelming otherwise. For instance today I slept all night until 1pm and spent a lot of today crying because I thought that my body was giving up, I wasn’t fighting enough which made me cross. The fact of the matter is, I’ve had broken sleep for 2 weeks due to various annoying patients who shout all night, and I’m on strong medication that make me tired also rest is extremely important. 
  
It always takes me back to my no 1 rule: Be kind to myself. X

Advertisements