I’m bloody determined that’s for sure!

Yesterday was perhaps the worst day of the year so far. One of the hardest days of my life, not just physically but  mentally demanding.

I’d made up my mind that yesterday I would be going home and I’d do whatever it took to get there.

I began my day early in the morning. 3 days post-op only managing to roll side to side with physios help. Interruption after interruption nobody would let me just be. Cleaners, tea maids, nurses, physios. I just wanted my family to help me. Why could they not understand that? I don’t trust people and I don’t like people touching me. For some reason nurses and physios find that alien and almost damaging to their egos. I have been in so much pain and I’m aware of cancer in my body that I do not want anyone touching me. If people do touch me I flinch, or spasm or even scream. I  don’t know how long this has been going on but it’s s fear and phobia that’s overtaken my life.

I’ve been a very difficult and at times verbally aggressive patient. But they don’t know how to deal with me, my fractured back and my secondary cancer. Of course I’m different to your average Joe, I am trying to deal with my diagnosis, my fatigue. 

It falls on deaf ears. Yesterday they said they didn’t want to discharge  me. I won’t list the reasons here be side frankly they are not big issues in comparison to what lies ahead and what’s important. 

Truth is I simply could not stay another day in hospital. I was going mad. I was just left to think of my own diagnosis and what would become of me.

I understand why people go in to hospital and never make it out. I could feel mysel giving up, I started thinking worrying thoughts about sleeping all day and not bothering with any mote treatment.

I spent 3 hours trying to sit up in bed. It hurt but I pushed through the pain and sat up. To do this I had to wriggle my way up the bed slowly from side to side. It was painfully slow. Once sitting up I stood up. My legs were wobbly. I’ve lost so much muscle tone I need to retrain my muscles again.

I was finally discharged at 10pm. By this time I had nothing left. They managed to wheel me to the car, but I was too tired to get in the  car, so somehow I dragged myself on my front through the back seat. It didn’t matter how I got home I just wanted to ge home.

The pain is much worse than i imagined but I’m hoping everyday it will improve. X