I Wish people would stop saying sorry.

I just wish people would stop saying sorry. I know they’re sorry.

My new GP who I  instantly disliked because my other one retired and I was on some mad tramadol high when I met him has been the best ever all the way thorough and called me up this morning as he’d heard the news. He too was really sorry he said. 

 I thought for a while what feeling  and being sorry when someone had incurable cancer and expressing it really means:

I guess someone is sad and wishes it wasn’t the scenario. Or there was something they could do to make it go away or make one feel better. I guess there’s an element of helplessness. My dad feels terrible because he cannot do anything, much the same as my GP and everyone else who is sorry. 

I’m sorry that you’re sorry. I don’t really want you to feel that way. I don’t want people to be enjoying themselves and then thinking about me dampens their mood or upsets their day. 

I hate the disease, but mostly I hate all the feelings and guilt that come along for the ride. 

Things are stressful here. I’m home but I probably left hospital too early and I’m struggling with pain as well as emotionally. I’m needing a fair bit of care with things. Things that I don’t really want my family doing for me. I’m managing to move around, sit in the chair from bed for a few hours and get comfortable. My walking is guided and wobbly because my legs are weak and need a lot of strengthening. 

My problem is I just keep thinking I’m so sick and fragile because of the cancer. But it’s not, it’s because I had a spine operation. The cancer is not making me feel ill at the moment. If I can change my mind frame I won’t keep thinking I’m dying every time I try to pull myself out of bed. It’s very scary. I have nobody telling me how to think or act, I’m making it all up as I go along. 

All I know is treatment is meant to start soon and I’m not well or physically  strong enough to start yet which is concerning.