Sometimes everyone acts like I’m going to die soon. 

So, day 10 post spinal surgery you will know that I sat up and stood up and walked with help. 

Yesterday, day 11 I had spent most of the day in bed, but I’d decided it  was the day I was going to walk on my own. 

Letting go of my dads hands was daunting, my legs felt like jelly, but my mind was determined. I only walked about 25 metres but unaided and without pain. This was a huge victory  before the physios see me next week. They will be pleased. It also means I can start treatment very soon. 

I’m eager to start treatment but the same time I could do without it! I’ve worked out that I’ll be finished before summer though which is a nice little incentive. It’s easier this time around as I know what to expect and it’s not so daunting. The first time around I was rather complacent. This time I’m taking a lot of care with what’s going in to my body. I’m also trying holistic ways of healing and hopefully shrinking the cancer. 

I decided I didn’t want to work through my cancer. I wanted all the time to myself to do with it whatever I please. I am fortunate enough to be able to not work and live a fairly nice lifestyle. When I think back to all the early mornings and stressful commutes over the years I ask myself what is the point of life if this is all there is-being part of the rat race? Unless you truly love what you do then it’s a just a waste.

I don’t want to say I’ll never work again, but my stint helping others is over in a working capacity. I’ve given a lot of my time to help people, people in my shoes but there’s a sell by date. You can’t do it forever. It’s draining, it keeps you awake at night, you worry about your own mortality. It’s time to focus on me. Lavish myself with love and attention.  I will be writing lots though, and sharing my experience always serves a purpose for others in some way or another. 

I’m conscious of allowing myself to have lots of help at home but to lead as normal life as possible. District nurses will call in every day if I need them but I don’t want them to come so often. They’ve said I can have a hospital bed which I initially decided against because it felt too clinical and like something a very sick person would need. Also I can now get out of bed on my own, but hospital beds are easier to get comfortable in and even if it’s just for a few weeks while my back gets better it’s probably not a bad idea. 

Sometimes I wish for a break from it all. People call in every day and the phone doesn’t stop ringing. Today the nurse kept repeating that my cancer is extensive and when I told her lots of people live for years she didn’t seem overly convinced, or perhaps I read things the wrong way, I’m not sure. There just never seems to be any enthusiasm there when I talk in a positive way about life expectancy to others.

The visit left me a bit sad. I suppose I just need lifting up all the time. I cried when she left. “Everyone thinks I’m going to die soon” I told my dad. How can I be positive and fight cancer and everyone in the world? 

Then  there’s the formula. Do I beat this/live longer with the right drugs or is it all with my mind? What’s the secret? I didn’t cry because I’d given up, I cried because others have seemingly given up on me and I’m a statistic to them.

I hope people start to believe and have faith in me.

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