I just want everyone to go away.

Way too much happened in the last two days to write about and I’m so pissed off about it, very tired and fed up. 

I ended up spending ten hours in hospital because I have pain when I breathe. I don’t have s blood clot but there is some fluid on my lungs and maybe an infection there so I’m on antibiotics.

I haven’t been used to going out let alone moving from room to room over ten hours. I felt emotionally exhausted, very angry. I couldn’t get off the CT scanner so they had to slide me. I started crying and telling everyone to leave me alone. They’re only trying to help me my rationale brain says but my emotional brain wants everyone to go away, to scream and shout. I feel suffocated. These people don’t know me. They don’t know how I’m feeling. They go home at night forget about their days and get in to their beds cancer free. 

Anyway the last two days I’ve done nothing but sleep. I know everyone is worried. I’m worried. Yesterday I was convinced this must be what dying feels like. I was convinced I was dying yet the doctors tell me I’m doing ok and no where near at a bad stage yet. 

My chemo is delayed a week because I was too tired to get to my heart echo scan yesterday. I know everybody is disappointed in me,I should have started treatment on Monday oh well.

I have no interest in talking to anyone. People keep messaging me, and I have nothing to say or I hear or read about their good news and as happy I am for them I usually end up in floods of tears as it reminds me of my circumstances and how unfair and shitty life can be. 

Today I do feel a bit better and I hope future days are brighter. X


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