Deep breaths and start over. 

This cycle of chemo hit me hard. I was not prepared for the sudden onset of pain on Saturday night. 

Aching bones and joints are not much fun, even my face hurts to touch. It’s not just the feeling that you have the flu and you’ve been beaten up all at once, these drugs fuck with your head. They don’t really site “emotional wreck” as a side effect which is strange as it always affects me mentally  and seemingly many others.

Yesterday I was tearful, depressed and angry. I took myself off to bed at 9pm in pain and crying. Why am I doing this I thought? The worst thing of all is that I’ve been through this already once before. It takes an enormous amount of strength to accept that one must endure chemo side effects for a second time. I’m not sure I am up to it. 

Last night, at my lowest ebb, I’d given up. That was it. No more treatment. Today I must be glutton for punishment; feeling slightly better although still bed bound I know in my heart that I can keep going and bad days will be inevitable.

I hate the fact that my family have to witness my pain and tears, it makes me feel so guilty,  but there’s nothing I can do. I ask them to forgive my moodswings and outbursts, and just hope that they understand…