Nobody really understands what it’s like to have chemotherapy twice.

Today I’m pondering on the bad luck of it all. I’m talking about having chemo twice as opposed to my diagnosis. Somehow in a warped way it’s worse. 

Chemotherapy is really hard, mentally and physically. 6 aggressive infusions over 18 weeks, and it’s not just difficult  during treatment, it’s so hard to recover from. It takes the average woman a year to get her energy back. Fatigue is a killer. Fatigue is when you have eight hours sleep but wake up feeling exhausted. Imagine feeling that way for a year? 

It took 16 months of my life to feel like the old me, and that’s not even mentioning the weight gain from the medication, the hair loss and the regeneration of brain cells. Yes chemo brain is real. It makes you dumb and forgetful. It took me 2 years or so to rid myself of chemo brain. 

I’d started to forget about treatment, like it never happened. You’d never know by looking at me I’d ever had cancer or chemotherapy. Then  they told me I’d have to have chemo again and my world shattered. I don’t have it in me I thought, I can’t do this, and I wouldn’t have gone through with it had it not been for my children believe me. 

Here I am though  at the mid way point. I’m doing it but I’m suffering. it’s tough. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, but the reality is, not many people know how gruelling it is going through this for the second time. They tell me  I have to do it. Does that mean if I quit people would think badly of me? There’s a lot of pressure with cancer. The thing is I don’t have to do this, it’s a choice I’m making for my children, but I want you to know that some days I want to give up. Some days I think I’m making myself ill for something that might not work. It’s a horrible feeling compared to my original cancer. Mentally more challenging knowing it’s not just in case chemo, it’s keeping me alive chemo. 

This post may have a melancholy tone, but I’m not unhappy, far from it. I guess I have great respect for people with secondary cancer – I never really understood before..

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