If there was a worst day since being diagnosed in March, Monday would have definitely been it.
I was still not really talking to my dad over falafel gate, haha 😂 and the “rage” was building up inside me, mostly due to the evil drugs swooshing around my veins, organs and brain.
Anyway I had a meltdown. 😁
It’s probably only my second one since being told I had terminal cancer, so I think I’m handling it rather well all things considered. After all, people lose their shit for stupid reasons. I actually think it’s ok to be a little crazy when you’re living with the dreaded d word over your head. Not even sure why I am justifying myself? But hey ho…
So anyway, back to the meltdown:
I smashed my room up. Threw things on the floor with force. Cleared surfaces with one swipe. As this is not my house my bedroom is filled with things from the 1990’s. Fisher price toys, an Alba stereo, nothing of any value. I guess this was a novel way of having an involuntary clear out on behalf of my dad! (He will thank me later).
I was like a monster unleashed from its cage. Then I started screaming at everyone. I can’t really remember what I said. Once I’d stopped screaming I started crying for a good few hours. It was so tiring. At first, (when I calmed down) I was annoyed with myself for getting so stressed; that’s made the cancer cells grow I thought. Why did I put myself through that? Then later on further reflection, I thought girl, you’ve got a hell of a lot of strength to have had that full on meltdown. Alternative scenarios: I could of pretended I was ok, had a little cry in private but instead I had this crazy episode and I felt truly alive. I was strong enough to lose my shit in a dramatic fashion. One day sadly, sooner than most, I won’t have the energy to do that…
Two days on I’m feeling emotionally more sound and I do seem to have escaped some of the side effects this time around although this chemo drug really upsets the digestive system. I feel constantly bloated! You know that stuffed uncomfortable feeling after eating a big meal? I feel like this all of the time even if I’ve only eaten a twig all day. I have the worst acid indigestion which is just miserable. I’m downing Andrews (alkaseltzer) like it’s going out of fashion. My mouth tastes horrible. I can’t really describe the taste but it’s furry and metallic. Worst of all, (chemo is the gift that keeps on giving) the fires of hell have ensued southwards and given me – “The itchy and scratchy show.”😳
But anyway the good news is, I’m now over half way through chemo and no 4 is in 2 weeks time. God knows what’s going to happen when I finish this chemo as I feel terrified to stop!
Life is carrying on as normal as can be around us. I’m clearing and selling my house so that I can live a life that I suppose many can’t with my family. Fancy restaurants, hotels, worldwide trips (I hope I stay well enough to go).