I’m stuck in traffic in the rain so I thought I’d write to pass the time.
Two thoughts have crossed my mind this weekend.
1. How can I feel and look so well when I’m terminally ill? Im not complaining and perhaps I shouldn’t even be questioning it. Sometimes I even think they’ve made a mistake. If I had cancer in a few places surely I would feel ill, surely I’d have symptoms? But no. Obviously I don’t feel 100 percent, I’m having chemotherapy and I had a fractured bone in my back which I’m still recovering from, but I’m not in bed all day I’m up and about doing normal things like everybody else.
I don’t tell strangers about my cancer. Three years ago I would have perhaps dropped it in to conversation, but how do you tell people your cancer can’t be cured and youre terminal? So I don’t. I make my face up to cover my lack of eyebrows and declining lashes and I put a smile on my face. People I meet who don’t know me have conversations with me about my future, only yesterday a man spoke to me whilst walking the dog about retirement – there was a back story but I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’m not going to make it to retirement. So I nod and smile and wish things were different. Men still flirt with me and I catch them staring at me sometimes, but I don’t encourage it because it could never ever go anywhere. I try to not make eye contact with anybody because I’m afraid that if I do they will know what I’m really going through. What I’m hiding.
2. Yesterday I read somewhere that a mother’s worst fear is outliving her child. The I started to really think about it like I’d never thought about it before. Do fathers feel the same way? I don’t know, probably? Then I started to feel guilty, upset, frightened. I wondered if anyone else in my situation felt guilty about the pain they cause others and the pain and destruction they will leave once they go? Morbid sure, but a normal thought I’m guessing.
So my thoughts this weekend – a little sad right? But, it’s also been a weekend of accomplishments. Walking for an hour and a half yesterday in the middle of chemo. It’s more than I’ve been able to walk in months! Two months ago I came down to the caravan and could barely walk for five minutes. The progress I’ve made has been pretty incredible. I forget how far I’ve come and need to remind myself more often. I am strong and my body that has let me down in many ways is doing its best for me and is still capable of doing so much…X