I had a CT scan on Monday . Ultimately, and please excuse if it sounds melodramatic – it’s pretty much a life or death situation and will determine any treatment I will have now and in the future. The answer we all want to know: is the chemo working? I am now just over mid-way and ideally the scan should show some progress i.e. a reduction in metastatic disease /lesions.
Although realistically I have no control over the cancer and what it wants to do in my body, it’s a bit like an exam that I’ve revised hard for and expect to reep the rewards. The revision part involved no learning, just big changes to my lifestyle. Since March I drastically changed my diet. I try to follow a vegan diet as much as possible. That includes no dairy foods. I drink a lot of fruit and veg juices in the nutribullet. I don’t drink any alcohol. I walk a lot and try to do yoga when I can. Many scientists will say that diet makes no difference to the outcome of this disease. In fact, if you look at people who have passed away from cancer many were vegans, healthy eaters or athletic. People say to me “Aren’t you doing too much at once?” But I don’t believe I am. It’s not a case of I’ll diet tomorrow, I have to act now. Wouldn’t you want to be the best version of yourself you could be and give your body the best chance if there was a tiny chance it would give you extra years of life?
I imagine that if I don’t get good results, part of me will blame myself. I didn’t do well enough. I should have tried harder; but hopefully that’s not going to happen because even I deserve some luck now and again right?
Update: scan results show a predominant reduction in lung and liver mets some liver mets are stable (no change) bone mets healing. Overall great news but why then do I feel disappointed? 😏
I think secretly I expected that some would have disappeared completely. Someone told me to hold on tight to good news as its pretty special and I imagine it won’t always be like that. Here is a prime example of how damaging being overly optimistic can be. Sometimes it’s better to remain quite neutral and not get your hopes up too high or you will never know what good news or real happiness is.
I’ve noticed that many people from my past are trying to reach out to me now. Is it through guilt? Perhaps, but nobody needs to feel guilty about their behaviour towards me. The past is the past and the truth is I mostly don’t care enough. Cancer taught me that in times of trouble, people can be poor communicators and rather selfish.
I’ve lost friends along the way, because I chose to distance myself from people who didn’t meet my criteria of a decent friend/human being. If people want to be there for you they will simply be there, and it’s pretty much cut and dry. That said, some people I do want to reconnect with and I feel that they will benefit my life and enrich it like they used to. People grow apart for all sorts of reasons and sometimes you realise how much you miss people and want them back in your life. So I’m happily reconnecting with a few people at the moment. Of course there’s that little problem of having to tell them that the cancers spread and not curable and it breaks my heart to have to tell people who I’ve known for donkeys years as its so hard to know how to say it and I hate to think of people being upset about my news.
So where are we at now? I’m still alive and treatment is working for now. I can choose to focus on that or I can choose to have overly high expectations and be miserable. I think I know which one I’m choosing…