The light doesn’t shine very bright, and the end of the tunnel seems too far to reach.

Oh hey neglected blog. It’s been a while. That’s because I’ve been busy; busy gallivanting across the globe having lots of mini adventures. I’m conscious that I need to pack in as much as possible given the circumstances, but I’m also aware that a) I need to rest, and b) things could also feel quite rushed and therefore less enjoyable. 

So I’m feeling very conflicted. 

Most of me wants to hide my illness from the world, (which I do with great success). Sometimes I look sick but I don’t want anybody to see me like that mostly because of my pride and because it’s a bit boring the second time around. Nobody wants to talk about it all over again and it’s a bit like having a second baby – you know what to expect so you just kind of get on with it and not worry so much.  So the people who don’t know how sick I am would never suspect  and sometimes that can be a burden in itself. 

Yesterday I massively overdid it walking a huge distance in 30 degree heat. I felt quite ill and breathless. I had to stop and turn around until I found a bench to sit on. Passers by may have thought I was unfit or maybe they didn’t even give me a second thought. This is an occasion when it’s a fierce battle of wills. Pride V honesty.  I don’t wear a sign round my neck saying I’m approaching my 11th chemotherapy now in total. There’s no sign saying I have stage four cancer. You can understand that in situations like this it can be quite frightening and miserable. But what is the alternative? Show and tell the world that I’m ill and become a victim of my own disease?

 In a way I’ve kind of become the very  person I dislike and protest about. The person who keeps her cancer a secret, and I’m not even sure how I got here? Except it’s not really  a secret, not totally. To the people who know, I hide very little, and the first time around I was happy to let the world know. I did the no hair pics, and the hair regrowth pics. I did the “I beat cancer” status updates. But this time I’m tired of it. Actually scrap that – I’m well and truly fucking sick of cancer, and I think that’s because before there was a light at the end of the tunnel, a goal to work towards. 

“Just get through this and you’ve got the rest of your life to lead” 

they said, but they were wrong. 

This time around there’s is a light, but it doesn’t shine very bright and the end of the tunnel often seems too far to reach…