People pretend I’m not going to die, (and so do I).

It’s so much easier for me to pretend this incurable cancer isn’t happening, and mostly, that is exactly what I do. Even when I’m writing my blog I am able to completely disassociate myself from cancer and death, which is weird. It’s almost like writing about someone else at times. 

I’ve been quietly observing people over the last few months, and I’ve come to the conclusion that most do not want to accept this is happening to me either and I totally get that. Denial makes us feel safe and in control of a situation that we have no control over. There is a huge difference though between those who do not want to accept it, and those that haven’t acknowledged it. Yes some have not uttered a word to me since March, nothing, zilch, nada. Sometimes I get really fucking angry inside, like how dare these people know me, keep in touch with me, and then say nothing to me since diagnosis? Here I am trying to keep my shit together and trying to be brave and there’s these cowards I used to know  that cannot even muster a few words. I do get sick of the old “We just don’t know what to say.” Believe me it’s easier to say something than go through several rounds of chemo and think about your early death.  But still, I can’t hold a grudge and instead I try to understand why people act the way they do, and that’s all you can do when someone doesn’t communicate with you – draw your own conclusions.  

Before cancer I was a lot more tolerant, and my tolerance levels have slowly declined over the years. I get to be choosy regarding who I spend my time with, if I feel like someone is negative or bringing nothing to the table then they’re gone and I don’t look back. That’s the beauty of this illness you get to be selfish; you get to call bullshit. I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about my choices either. It’s funny how judgemental people can be until they find themselves in the same boat. 

Another plus of having this disease is you get to see people stripped back of all their layers like onions. You get the benefit of seeing  how they cope in a crisis – your crisis. When the ship is sinking many people will get in the lifeboat knowing you’re drowning and not look back. They don’t want to deal with your illness, and sometimes there are genuine reasons why, and whilst it’s hurtful, it certainly toughens you up. Believe me I see myself as the She-Ra of the cancer world. Princess of power. 

I’ve always said the worst thing about having cancer is other people’s reactions, and that remains to be true 3 years and 2 months on. I’ve come to the conclusion now that even with all the money in the world ploughed in to encouraging others to be there and support you, many people will never change, because we are just too self-indulgent. Sadly that means that many  people who have  cancer in the future,(particularly stage four), will continue to feel on their own and misunderstood. We must instead cling to those who do understand, those loved ones who are wonderful communicators or people that have had a cancer experience themselves or failing that, live in the nice bubble where cancer doesn’t exist and immortality does…

X

(Sorry if this post sound negative and appears to bash others.  Please  know that there are fabulous amazing supportive people in this world who are superstars) ⭐️⭐️🌟

Advertisements