Today hasn’t gone very well which is a bit of an understatement. Sometimes I find that if a day starts badly you better strap yourself in and be prepared for a crazy ride; AKA a bit of a shitter of a day.
Earlier I had what’s known as a spoiled child’s tantrum, but hear me out. I’m so self-aware that I know this tantrum was just another excuse to blame someone, another person to be angry with. Also, small things that go wrong now send me over the edge. Paying bills and filling in paperwork, calling offices and being put on hold for half an hour, not being paid benefits, all things that would stress the normal person out, but it completely overwhelms me. I cannot cope. I lose my temper, I cry. It baffles me that people can be on their last legs dying and they’re expected to have to chase up things and beg for money to live on. I’m not at that stage, but one day I will be. There’s no fucking compassion sometimes. Life that was already tough suddenly feels impossible and the smallest thing can just ruin your day. The only thing you can do is just breathe and understand that whatever it is will pass.
I mentally continue to compare myself to others, particularly to healthy people. I look around and see all these men and women – happy and healthy. Their lives seem so simple and easy, and I’m envious. I see women 20-30 years older than me, clearly much fitter with much more energy. But the thing is, I’m never going to be them. It’s never going to be normal for me. My normal life went out the window in 2013. As much as I paint my face up and wear nice clothes, inside I’m sick and every day it’s a battle not to show it to the outside world. In the privacy of my room I let myself look tired and sick. I suppose it’s a self-preservation thing, the only control I have left to exert over the cancer.
There’s a saying I like. “Don’t let comparison steal your joy.” It’s so true because that’s all it ever does and all it will do. People are always going to be more beautiful than you, thinner than you, more intelligent,richer, but these things don’t matter trust me! All you do is get stuck in this vicious cycle and you will never feel good enough. I cannot stress enough, if you have your health, you have it all. Grab it, embrace it and be grateful. You won’t be well forever, and life goes by pretty fast…