No matter how much I mentally prepare myself for the steroid crash, it inevitably comes around to slap me on my increasingly hot flushed face! I’ve not had a period now since March and the chemo drugs do a lot of damage to your ovaries and put you in to temporary menopause. As I’ve been through chemotherapy twice now, it might be that the menopause is now a permanent thing and I will be infertile, but that no longer matters to me (and is not important on the grand scale of things).
Anyway these next few days are the most mentally challenging. The withdrawal from the steroids makes me overthink everything and makes me irritable angry and sometimes tearful. It’s exaggerated granted, but a lot of it is repressed feelings and thoughts that are left unchecked.
Today I feel angry with others and their ignorance. It’s hard finding the time to meet up with people in our busy lives, a little harder to meet with me as I only really have a ten day window where I feel good. The thing is I was diagnosed with incurable cancer in March and it’s now the end of July. That’s a hell of a lot of days and hours that have gone by. Some of my friends and family have been by my side, and others have let me down. I can only come to the conclusion that I don’t mean enough to the people who haven’t spent 1 hour with me in the last 5 months, or I just have a lot of selfish friends and choose friends unwisely. Perhaps people are frightened to see me, who knows? But with no reasons given , I’m left to torture myself with the whys.
I’ve always given a lot to others and been there for people if they need me but it’s not always returned. That sucks. I thought that when you were dying of cancer things would be different – at least I imagined something far different to what is actually happening. I feel left on the shelf and forgotten about and it’s tough going, particularly after chemo and during the wonderful aforementioned steroid crash.
I’ve decided to take a break from social media. Not just because it depresses me when I see everyone having fun and I’m too sick to enjoy myself at the moment, but because it’s a lazy way of keeping in touch without putting in any effort. In our busy lives we should surely make time for each other if we matter to each other?
Here’s hoping for better days ahead.