Another last and not the last last.

On November 5 2013,  I was delighted as it was the date of my last chemo. I shouted it from the rooftops, I was so proud. I never dreamed I’d ever had to go through it again. Later, I then proclaimed I was cancer free in January 2014, but sadly I never really was; at least it’s unlikely the cancer ever went away even though it was undetectable on the scans. I’ll give it it’s due, it was very good at hide and seek, very sneaky indeed. There it stayed undetected, symptomless, until 2016 when a bad back turned out to be a fractured spinal bone – cancer didn’t want to play hide and seek anymore, it got bored and came out of hiding. It  wasn’t just hiding in my bones it was wide spread. Perhaps cancer was being kind to me by giving me a warning, (this is something I think about often). But I digress, we were talking about last chemos…

Today was yet again my last chemo (part deux). Except, I know in my heart it won’t be my last and I will one day have to start a new chemo regime. The cancer will inevitably get bored of being told what to do sitting there twiddling it’s thumbs. It will return and want another fight with me. So yes, there will be yet another last chemo I’m well aware of that. 

So, I’ve  endured another 4 months of treatment, and some would say I’ve had it easy, and I probably have. It’s strange because when I started this regime I had a lot of cancer, and high tumour markers. I remember them telling me the magic tumour marker number – 150ish and I know a healthy person would read under 7 so it startled me. Now my markers are down to 20 which doesn’t tell the whole story, but it’s an indication my cancer has reduced a lot and chemo has worked. I should be elated but I could only be truly elated if I went in to remission, which is unlikely. The way I see it is I have two options. I can use this chemo break while my cancer remains stable or shrinks even more on herceptin, to enjoy my life and not worry about when it’s going to grow again, or I can sit and worry and waste my life and think the worst. It’s not a hard choice really.  

Technically today won’t be my last chemo, but it’s my last for a while, hopefully a long while. I’m going to be rebellious and live life on the edge like I never have before, because if you don’t live life on the edge, you will never see the view, and it’s going to be a good one I just know it… X

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