Strength, independence and resentment 

I’m not going to win awards for the best mother in the world because I’m not, and I never aspired to be either. 

My number 1 priority was to ensure my girls have a happy and fulfilling childhood. My number 2 was to raise strong and independent young women. Whist my daughters are very different, they are both strong-willed and independent. To sum our relationships up, I know they need me but they’ve never demonstrated that, at least not often. 

The world can be unsafe and a scary place, but the fact is it  always has been.  I’ve never been overly strict or stopped my kids from doing things due to my own insecurities and worries. They go out, I let them do things perhaps other parents wouldn’t- why? Because I trust them and I want them to experience things now and not be shy and intimidated by everyone and everything when they reach adulthood.  

You know that I rarely talk about my family, because it’s good to have a degree of a private life. But sometimes I make exceptions when I feel it’s important or it might benefit others. People always ask me how my kids have coped with my illness and I generally say that they’ve taken it in their stride. Things have barely changed in the last three years. They know I’m ill and they are aware of the current situation but they say to me  “mum you look so well we forget anything is wrong.” To tell you the truth, we don’t spend every waking moment together. They do what other teenagers do who have healthy mums. They are either in their bedrooms or out with their friends, and that’s ok. Why would I want them to miss out on being teenagers? It would be worse if they weren’t able to enjoy life outside the home and felt like they had to be in with me all day, but they know I wouldn’t want that. I’m aware of our bond and that we have a whole lot of love for each other, but we don’t need to be together all the time or tell each other continuously how much we mean to each other, we just know. That’s confidence that I’ve managed to instill in them. As I initially stated, no; I’m not the best mum in the world, but I did do something right.

 I still can’t believe chemo has finished and it’s now been over a week since the last poison. I was just commenting on how easy it’s been when I got a wisdom tooth infection!I’ve been in a lot of pain so they put me on these dreadful anti b’s which have wiped me out. I can’t get out of bed and have zero appetite. I’m fed up with feeling so drowsy so I’m waiting for my doctor to call me so I can change the meds. I don’t think they’re suitable for someone in my boat who already felt so tired!

It’s my scan on Monday and I’ve tried not to think about it much and remain neutral about the possible results. It’s really hard to not get my hopes up and at the same time worry it’s not worked. I have to work very hard on mindfulness and creating a zen state in my brain. What’s done is done. What will be will be. Stability is ok, reduction is better. Both are preferable to cancer becoming active again. 

Sadly I do feel like some people see cancer as a bit of a competition. It’s like if they are having a hard time then you can’t be having an easy time. It wouldn’t be fair on them. 😉 A few are just wanting you to fail and seemingly resent you feeling great or being upbeat. (My aura screams at me and alarm bells start ringing).  I try to avoid people who suck the joy out of me. I feel like I’ve been through so much pain and suffering why shouldn’t I have it easy now and again? When I celebrate how well I feel a small minority just want to rain on your parade and I won’t bloody let them! 😊 X