I’m so glad I’ve got today over and done with. Another day another scan. I should say another month another scan as that would be more accurate, but sometimes it seems like they are far more frequent.
My last scan mid-treatment in June, was fairly successful in terms of results, although they never tell me if I’m doing better or worse than the average person and I never ask. I kind of want to know how I measure up, but I’ve decided that a reduction in the cancer is definitely good news and that’s all I need to know really. The oncologists agree, they are even happy with stable tumours but to me, stable is like getting a C+ in every exam and never improving. It’s not too bad but you know it could be so much better. So this time I’m looking for a huge reduction. After all I’ve gone through 6 very strong chemotherapies, lost hair and eyebrows (again 😁) and half my eyelashes. I’ve lost energy, have a pretty much non-existent social life, a rather boring diet with the occasional treat, (no alcohol for most of the year). You might agree that I deserve good results, but we all know it doesn’t work like that.
So today is over with but waiting for the results on Wednesday is slightly more stressful. I’ve done everything I can but now I need luck on my side too, something I have absolutely no control over which scares me. The likelihood is I will have a chemo break so long as the cancer is stable which couldn’t be more bitter-sweet. Sweet because my body will recover, I’ll have more energy to do things and enjoy life. My hair will grow and my weight will drop. For a few months I may even forget I have the disease. Bitter because I will feel like a lost puppy dog, wondering what’s happening inside my body without my safety blanket chemo. So I’m playing the waiting game again. Something I’m used to but it’s so cruel for someone with such little patience!
So a worrying and nerve wracking time ahead, but also a time to feel proud and a sense of accomplishment. I went through chemo a 2nd time, something people who’ve never had it or had it the once could never understand. Something my mets sisters will empathise with and understand. A huge test of strength and endurance, something I thought I’d never do. And yet I finished. I crossed the line, tired, battered and bruised emotionally, but ready to face the next challenge. (Let’s just hope that’s a way off yet)… X