Moaners,elephants and poison dwarfs.

I find it increasingly hard to relate to people these days because I’m not interested in things that I once was. I’m talking about drinking, partying, enjoying myself basically. I’d kind of decided I’d had enough of that lifestyle in the new year anyway, and then along came the cancer again and I decided that booze was definitely not the way forward for health reasons, and a hangover and chemo definitely do not mix anyway. 

It’s sure opened my eyes to the amount of drinking and partying my friends do. Part of me thinks, I’m glad that’s not me, and part of me wonders if I’m missing out? Breast cancer and booze don’t go together, but I once read that once you’ve had cancer, drinking doesn’t increase your chances of getting it again (if you’re pre-menopausal). Having the odd drink isn’t going to do much with regard to my cancer, but the longer you stop something the less likely you are to go back to it I guess.

I find that a lot of people moan on social media about trivial stuff or things that I would be grateful for which can be really annoying. I am more tolerant than ever these days, I can’t be bothered with conflict or arguing really. I accept that we all like to have moan sometimes and after all, it’s not someone’s fault that I have stage 4 cancer and they don’t. But, again, I find it hard to relate to people who moan about silly things.

With stage 4, it can be a real lonely journey. There’s lots of people I can talk to who are going through it too and understand though. Sometimes, I don’t want to talk to them either and I try to keep my distance from the secondary breast cancer world. Some people are really angry and down in the dumps about their situation and I totally get that, but I don’t want to spend my days campaigning for people to do more for me or talking about dying every day, it’s just not for me. 

It’s been a difficult week for me since I had 1 of 2 extra chemo. They added another bag of drugs to the mix- bone juice to strengthen my bones. I don’t know if it was that or the chemo but I had a horrible time,and felt very very ill. I’m debating about whether to have number 8 because I don’t know if I can put my body through that again, plus I had the mother of all meltdowns again on Wednesday, and there was a huge family argument.  To cut a rather long story short my aunt is no longer welcome in this house, and I think it’s best if she stays out my way forever! I’ve always said keep your circle small for a reason. Even family members can be vile, and extremely insensitive.

So this week I’ve been a very lucky girl and had 2 days away at a lovely hotel and spa. I was an impromptu break, but well needed. I’m feeling a lot better than I was and its nice to know I have another 2 weeks left until I’m due anymore treatment. Tomorrow I have a VIP day at a safari park and I get to be up close with the animals and meet and feed the elephants. This is something I’ve always wanted to do (no I don’t and never will have a bucket list) and I’m so excited that I will probably be overwhelmed tomorrow and cry. My daughter said I’m enbarsssing and she will pretend not to know me if I start crying, but I can’t help my emotional self. Animals bring me so much joy (more than my poison dwarf of an aunt anyway)! 😂

At a time where so many women are much worse off than me, a time where young women are still dying of cancer, I’ve still so much to be grateful for and still so much life left in me..

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