Birthdays should be cherished (when you don’t have many left).

I know I have a lot more readers of late because I’ve been getting a lot of lovely messages from women and men saying how much they enjoy reading my antics! Some have said it gives them perspective, others have said they are thankful for my honesty! The biggest compliment is from the people that tell me that my blog inspires them to write! That makes me so happy because I can’t put in to words how cleansing it is to have a public space to write down your thoughts. I’ve always loved to write since I was a child. Now I’m writing a book-(I don’t know if it’s any good) it’s a dream of mine for people to read it and get something good out of it whether that might be great advice or just appreciate their life that little bit more and not take things for granted. 

Anyway if you’re a new reader, hello!

Here’s a quick recap:

I had breast cancer in 2013 followed by a mastectomy and 2 reconstructions. I had chemo and radiation and 1 year of herceptin infusions. 

In 2016 cancer came back and spread to my bones and organs. It fractured a bone in my spine so I had a big operation to fix my spine with cement and screws. I’ve just finished 7 chemos which has kept me stable and I’m on targeted therapies and bone strengthening injections. It’s now  7 months since I became stage 4. 

In a few days I am turning 37. Quite a lot of birthdays have passed now-heck I’m nearly 40! I would like to celebrate so many more, unfortunately I don’t have much choice because I live with a disease that remains incurable. I will die of breast cancer one day.

My oncologist says I’ve responded very well to treatment and I should hopefully be able to stay off the chemo now for 18 months (maybe more) whilst my cancer is stable. Being off the chemo for that length of time excites me. I’ll have hair again and lots of energy-two things most people take for granted. Everything is squeezed in to short timeframes which is why 18 months seems like a great deal of time to me. When you have death hanging over you, and an average of say 3 years to live, you can try to understand why everything has to be rushed, short periods of time can feel like a lifetime and you don’t want to waste a minute. 

I often think to myself that I’d love to live for 5 or even 10 years. I would feel lucky and grateful, but even living for 10 years would mean I’d only make my 40’s. It’s no age, but I’d prefer to die in my 40s then my 30s, it just seems so far away and it means I don’t have to think about dying today. I expect this is quite sad to read, I don’t know, it isn’t meant to envoke pity. There’s also something wonderful about living much longer than you’re meant to, so that’s what I hope for the most-above a cure, (which seems less likely).

It amuses me that most of us dread getting older because I relish getting older as it means I’ve defeated the big C for another year. It’s  very bittersweet though as it also means I’m running out of time. This year I’m going to celebrate my birthday more than I’ve ever done before! I’m going to celebrate living because life is precious and wonderful-I really get that now. X

36 years 11 months and 3 weeks old
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