Sometimes when we are suffering and hurting, it’s worth remembering that often others are too, and it’s kind to acknowledge them rather than be too wrapped up in our own troubles. It’s not always easy I know!
In the early days I was going through cancer and had many friends who were stage 4 and dying. I was scared of hearing their bad news but I made a decision that if I wanted them in my life I would try to be a good listener even if I didn’t always want to hear what they had to say. I’m not trying to make myself sound like a saint. I can be a shit friend, shit daughter, shit mother. Sometimes I feel way too sorry for myself but then I remember those I lost and feel grateful that I’m still here; grateful that I will wake up in the morning to see another day.
Every now and then it’s good to ask ourselves if we are taking more from people than we are giving. Remember that support goes both ways and it’s fine to offload if you can be a sympathetic ear in return.
So chemo is now finished (for now) and I’m almost 4 weeks out! It does feel great to not have chemo side effects, and no post steroid rage! Unfortunately things never quite go without a hitch-I have severe anemia and have terrible fatigue, headaches and shortness of breath. Tomorrow I’m having my first blood transfusion. It’s something I’ve refused in the past but I feel so awful now I can’t wait to get this healthy blood in my body. Alas, my quality of life is not great at the moment. I’m too tired to move much spending a lot of time in bed asleep, so hopefully this transfusion will do the trick!
I was Googling something last night and came across this awesome post from a lady who’s been living with stage 4 ovarian cancer for over 10 years. She admitted that she ignores her cancer completely and describes cancer as a small naughty child that thrives on attention, so she starves it. Cuts off the supply. She never takes anyone to appointments with her, she just carries on with life doing what she did before cancer. She says that she believes she’s remained stable because of this attitude. I don’t know about that but I admired what she had to say and I felt that I really related to it. Barring my blog and social media, I prefer to ignore my cancer too. I don’t talk about it to my family or friends. I don’t like a fuss and it’s been over 3 years now so I don’t need anyone holding my hand when I see my oncologist. I don’t treat the cancer with kid gloves, I don’t tell strangers I’m sick. I generally pretend everything is alright and that works well for me. Over the next few months I will be trying to focus on other things on the blog and my sm channels.
Weirdly I feel quite calm of late and overall I think that I’m living a happier life now. Maybe that’s because I know there’s no 2nd chances and this is it now. My time is precious and I don’t want to spend it being angry or upset or worrying myself sick. Bad days aren’t always preventable but I feel like everyday I wake up I have a choice. How much do I want to live the remainder of my days feeling happy and loving life? A great deal, and so this is mostly what I do. Everything looks so much more beautiful now somehow. I wonder how I never noticed the beauty before.
Maybe being happy and positive won’t stop me from dying, but it will help me to enjoy my days and make happier memories. X