Regrets,”What Ifs”and “Oh wells…”

The butterfly effect: “The scientific theory that a single occurence, no matter how small, can change the course of the universe forever.”

Everybody is probably familiar with the movie The butterfly effect. College guy Evan keeps travelling  back in time to try to change things in his past that have caused problems in the present. The thing is every time he changed one thing it had a knock-on effect and it invariably changed something else making his life inevitably worse off. That’s the problem though isn’t it?(If science allowed us to time travel and movies were real that is) When would you stop changing things? You would never be satisfied!

The film did get me thinking. If I could would I change things? Yes! Not things I regret per se, but things that might have changed the path I’m on now. (Yeah I’m talking about the cancer).

One things for sure. If I went back in time  I wouldn’t have drank so much alcohol. I wouldn’t have been so boozy! It’s not that I drank very often, I just binged when I did. Then I spent the next day feeling hungover; either being sick or stuffing my face with junk food. I drank to get wasted, sometimes to forget. I couldn’t just have a couple of glasses, I was always mixing drinks and shots until I could barely see and stand at times. Sometimes I wonder if the binge drinking gave me cancer or attributed to it, and God I did so many stupid things under the influence too. If I could go back, I’d drink a lot less knowing what I know now- I don’t need booze to make me happy. Nobody does.
  Sometimes I think I would like to go back and have stayed with my husband or one of my boyfriends instead of flitting between them and getting bored so easily. It wasn’t the case that none of them weren’t right for me, it was mostly me! Flighty and independent, I loved the whole rush of falling in love, and then a year in, I’d get bored and start looking around. 

Then I wonder if I’d have coped better with a partner during the cancer and I occasionally  feel jealous that other women/men have that level of support. On the flip side I also think that a partner could be a hinderence and stressful to be around. It’s  just one more person that you desperately hope gets what you’re going through, and it really would frustrate me if I had a partner that didn’t. But I’m so blessed with my kids. I’d have my girls over a husband any day (if I had to choose one or the other). 

Now and then I look back and wonder if I wasn’t happy enough or if I should have loved life more. But then happy people that love life get cancer too. Ah the what Ifs! People tell us they’re a huge waste of time. What Ifs are enough to put fear inside of us and make us anxious. I think the antidote to the what If is finding peace in ourselves, accepting our lives as they are, mistakes and all, because at one time those mistakes seemed like the right choice and probably made us happy.

Life with regrets is pretty bad. Life wondering what If is ok now and then but life with “Oh wells” is definitely better. An oh well means you tried your best and you gave it your best shot even if it didn’t quite work out the way you wanted it to.

 I always tried my best at the time and that’s all that matters really… X

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