Having fun means killing yourself.

Sorry.. Bit of clickbait there… Unfortunately this is what I’ve somehow got in to my head-too much fun will kill me. A couple of glasses of red, a takeaway pizza,going to a party and coming home at 3am. These are all things I believe to be harmful to me. Somebody asked me why I felt like this. I don’t think I did a very good job of explaining it.  I sort of see myself as a fledgling with a broken wing. I’m fragile and broken and my health is so much worse than a normal woman of my age. My life is so so precious now, and every day counts. I don’t want to ruin my chances of living a longer life so instead I lead a fairly boring life. I go to bed early. I rarely go out and socialise. I don’t eat junk food and I rarely drink. I read, I write, I bake, I watch Netflix. I walk my dog. I drink green smoothies everyday and I internet shop. But part of me misses the fun-a life outside of the house, and just being carefree. 

The doctors tell me that what I eat won’t affect the cancer and I suppose the occasional drink won’t hurt either, (I’ve not asked but I know plenty of people who drink who have cancer). It’s hard to break a habit though-I feel like I’d be letting my body down and doing it a disservice if I relaxed a little.

If I’m honest, I’m not quite sure I’m enjoying my life as much as I should be. I’m torn because I don’t want to look back and feel sad that I didn’t go a bit crazy and wild now and then. I’m a girl who likes to live on the edge, but these last 6 months I’ve babied myself and been uber cautious . If anyone says anything about it I’m very dismissive, but they are not me, they don’t know what this is like, although I know they just want me to be happy.

I wonder if I’m weird or unique in this. It sometimes seems like I’m the only person who has cancer who’s not really living. Perhaps subconsciously  I’m scared that this diagnosis will just put a dampener on all the old stuff I used to enjoy and I don’t want to compare and feel disappointed.

Sometimes it’s just so damn hard to know how to be…X