Holy f**k Batman!

I will always tell anyone who listens that I’m not stubborn because I’m too stubborn to admit that I’m actually very stubborn!  Not so much when it comes to others and forgiveness, but when it comes to me making decisions and standing my ground.

With cancer I think it serves you well to be stubborn most of the time! I suppose that’s because in my mind stubbornness signifies strength, and you sure need a hell a lot of that with this disease. That said I do falter sometimes. A nice handsome chap charming me, or an intelligent well-meaning person reasoning with me-I dunno some people just have the knack of making me back down (to my great annoyance)! 

Anyway I’m talking about stubbornness today with regard to my appointment with my consultant earlier. I managed to change drugs-the zometa infusions for my bones were causing me too much pain, so they’ve  put me on a new drug which is more expensive but should hopefully cause less side effects. It’s an injection too-I abhor injections, but I stupidly Googled the needle and they are small. Phew!

Everything else is pretty good. The blood transfusion has helped my red blood cells creep up to 109, although still anaemic I’m definitely not as bad as I was. My tumour markers are in the low 20s so my cancer is stable. I’d expect that after 6 weeks since chemo ended but I guess terrible things can happen…

To my horror, I’m being pressured in to having injections to shut down my ovaries so they stop producing oestrogen. (My cancer loves oestrogen). I’ve managed to avoid this each time, with every appointment adamant that I dont want full-blown menopausal side effects. Being quite vain I can’t think of much worse than being dripping with sweat in public-ew. Today I waivered as my consultant said that getting rid of all oestrogen would be beneficial to my prognosis. I sighed. She knows best, it’s not about me or horrible side effects it’s about my children. 

Then I saw the needle.. 

The needle is long and thick and I know  it hurts because I read so many people’s experiences. I just cannot endure this on a regular basis (with my fear of injections) so now I think I have no other option than to have my ovaries taken out. I’m already back on the tamoxifen which upsets my womb so I would no longer have to take that if my ovaries were removed. I know some of the side effects can be horrific, but I think I will put up with them over a huge needle in my stomach every 3 weeks. 

This surgery would follow a long line of surgeries. My mastectomy, reconstruction, 2nd reconstruction and spinal surgery. What’s one more to add to the list?! I’m starting to wonder if there’s going to be much left of me when I leave this world?!

*If you’ve had your ovaries removed and you’re under 45 I would really like to hear from you. You can contact me on twitter @lady_carolina_