There’s no need to be nasty-we are all struggling here.

Hola, bonjour or more appropriately guttentag!

I had a bit of a hard time today in the chemo ward made worse by this strange woman who just seemed to hate me for no reason! As soon as I walked in and sat down she gave me this menacing dirty look. I then heard her bitching about me to a nurse regarding a private conversation that I’d  had earlier with this nurse. I felt my face getting hotter and hotter and I stood up and I marched over there. Anyway, in no uncertain terms I told her to bugger off and mind her own business! The whole ward went quiet and I thought this could only happen to me. I suddenly envisaged myself on “24 hours in the the chemo ward” or some similar named reality show, kicking off in a cancer hospital for the world to see haha. Cancer or not there’s no need to be nasty. We are all in the same boat-struggling. So I felt a bit stressed out after that debacle and of course my already teeny tiny veins hid from the nurses in protest.  The first two stabs hit  vein valves, and I can’t deny that they hurt as the nurse tried to push through those. Then thankfully we got in finally on the third attempt. I also started a new treatment today; a more expensive version of Zometa (to strengthen my bones) in injection form. This should hopefully give me less side effects but it’s  a waiting game. They normally inject it in the stomach but I’m weird and wanted it in the arm. 4 needles in one day is quite a lot to contend with but I won’t allow myself to feel sorry for myself for too long. I’m home now and I have 3 weeks respite which is always a lovely feeling. 

As you probably are aware,  my cancer has responded very well to all the treatment I’m on and it remains stable.  I’ve been researching other options available to me and have discovered that Germany is one of the leading countries in cancer treatments and research, and many of their private clinics offer treatment that isn’t  available in the UK such as immunotherapy. There are of course many holistic centres in Germany too which I think are fine in conjunction with traditional medicines, but the clinics I’m interested in are similar to private hospitals. They treat cancers with chemo etc.. too, but often when UK doctors say they’ve done all they can for someone, German clinics can offer a lot more treatment options for people. It would be amazing to go in to remission-something that’s very rare but not unheard of- but all of this comes with a massive price tag (we are talking 50-100k) with no guaranteed successes. It is something I’m really interested in though and even my dad said “It’s worth a go, it’s only money!”  My plans for America and Australia may need to be on hold, but I so desperately want to be away for Christmas this year and enjoy myself while I’m feeling up to it.

Thinking back to the drama at the hospital today, you probably know that  I’ve always been a bit feisty and have no problem standing up for myself when I think I’m in the right. It’s ok to be constructive, but if anyone takes their anger out on me I will bite back hard. Confrontation does upset my balance, but if I’m passionate about something or I feel like I’ve been wronged, I’m prepared to get my hands dirty. I won’t be told how I should  think and feel about things particularly my emotions surrounding my cancer. How I deal with things isn’t necessarily the RIGHT way, but its the way that works for me. I’ve surprised myself during these last 7 months. I thought I’d be campaigning and very angry about my diagnosis all the time. I thought I’d join forums and make loads of new stage 4 friends. I thought I’d  want to know every little detail and every statistic, but it hasn’t been like that. Sometimes I think wanting to be in my happy oblivious bubble makes me a bit weak, but you know what? I’m no campaigner. I write about how I feel and that’s what I’m good at. I don’t want to use my energy up fighting the system, instead I prefer to help others who might get some peace or happiness reading my blog. I haven’t made new friends and I avoid cancer meet ups and forums like the plague. With primary cancer I think we  desperately seek out friends because it’s new and we want support, but for me stage 4 is different. It’s not new anymore, I pretty much know cancer inside out and I don’t want to make friends with people who are going to die because it’s too sad for everybody involved. So admittedly I do distance myself from the reality of this because reality makes me cry, and reality gives me panic attacks and sleepless nights. 

I love Autumn, it’s so pretty, but alas  I’ve really started feeling the cold now in the evenings and my woolly hat is firmly on  until I have a nice thick covering of hair! I hope it won’t be too long now…