What the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over

I write this evening one year older! I am now classed as being in my late thirties, bloody hell, where did all those years go?!  Age has been quite kind to my face I think, but I’d sooner a few wrinkles than cancer! I definitely drew the short straw there.

I’m now entering my fourth year with cancer although it’s not technically  four years since diagnosis until May. It’s strange because I don’t really remember now what life was like before cancer. I probably barely uttered the word, but knowing what I know now I didn’t have any worries at all really! 

I have been slowly pulling back from any kind of cancer conversation on social media. First I deleted my Facebook-a bold move-I’d had it 8 years. I felt quite sad about it and still do but it wasn’t really helping me. I didn’t really want to celebrate people’s statuses that informed me that they were celebrating the fact that they were five years cancer free, maybe that makes me a horrible person but it’s the truth. I’m always happy for people who share good news obviously, but sometimes things like that can really upset me. I also begrudge people knowing all my news and keeping in touch via Facebook instead of us getting off our bums and seeing each other. It certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff. I’ll probably never hear from most of my Facebook “friends” again- but that’s ok. It’s actually a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel settled now and have a valuable and reliable support network-constants. There’s no confusion, it’s just easy. A lot of people I follow on twitter are either just starting out on their  cancer journey or they are years down the line and still want to talk about it all of the time. There is no specific date or time when you’re supposed to be over this-I think we should keep talking about it until we are truly sick of it or it’s not making us happy anymore. I’m both. There’s only so much I can talk about my mastectomy and my reconstruction and all the drugs I’m on until it becomes boring. Talking about my reality also makes me unhappy a lot of the time- and I resent the fact that I cannot filter things from my feed. Sad things, graphic things, angry rants-if you’re in a great mood all these things can affect you so deeply. 

I know people may think that I’m living in denial and unable to face my reality, I can,I just choose mostly not to. I see no point talking about something that I can’t change which makes me sad day in day out-it’s just draining. I’ve found that by ignoring it I feel much better, and I’ve found friends and social media accounts who have the same attitude so I gravitate towards them. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to support people or ask questions sometimes, I just don’t want to be fully immersed in the murky waters anymore, the occasional paddle is fine though.

Some people say that knowledge is power and I used to believe that knowing everything would help me but it hasn’t really. Knowledge also upsets, hurts, causes paranoia,fear and anxiety. What the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over and I’ve had enough heartache… X

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