So I had this conversation last night with a friend (who is surviving breast cancer) all about guilt and how it affects us. Guilt definitely troubles her more than it does me perhaps because she’s surviving and my future is bleak, I’m not sure but still-I’m not immune from guilty feelings, even when I’m 37, technically dying with two young daughters I still sometimes feel guilty that I’m enjoying myself or I’m stable while others aren’t, and I know that I shouldn’t do! Obviously I have compassion for people who are in my situation or worse off, and it makes me sad, but then I think one day that will be me. It’ll be me who’s dying, me who the drugs aren’t working for anymore, and people aren’t going to stop having fun or put their lives on permanent hold for me and I wouldn’t want them to. So I enjoy my life. I go on holiday and do all these wonderful things because I can and because it makes me happy. I’m sure a small minority are resentful about that because people can be jealous and hateful, and don’t like it when other people are happy, regardless of whether they have terminal cancer or not. Whether we like to admit it to ourselves-unfortunately,there are people in this world that are miserable and want everyone else to be miserable too, but being angry all the time is a huge waste of energy-it’s far better to be happy for others and celebrate their successes, life is not a competition after all.
Since I’ve immersed myself in travelling and treating myself, I care far less what people think about me or my decisions. I suppose too, I want to be remembered for living my life not sitting around feeling angry and crying every day. That’s very important to me, I care deeply that others have it much worse than me, but there’s little I can do to help others or change things which can be very frustrating. It feels wrong to say,but with cancer you have to look after number 1 even if that means people view you as a bit selfish. I never will apologise for being me and having fun and nobody should have to. I am my priority. Well my children are, but you know, I need to be happy and nurture myself first so I can be a good mother. Guilt is shitty, and serves no purpose other than sucking the happiness out of everything you do.
Life is often unfair and sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason as to why terrible things happen to good people. Surely it’s best to make the most of life and just do what makes you happy, not what makes everyone else happier?