This Christmas look around the table and be grateful…

Most of us cry sometimes, some more than others. I used to think how often you cried depended on how emotional you were but I realise now that some of us are just better at holding back the tears. Some people don’t outwardly cry, but cry on the inside. Perhaps this sort of sadness is the hardest of all to deal with; the unexpressed and hidden kind?

I consider myself an emotional person and I do cry, although much less these days, perhaps because I’m a lot happier now than I’ve ever been and I’ve been busy travelling the world so I haven’t really had the time to feel unhappy. Sometimes I think we cry and don’t know the reason for our tears, or we aren’t quite sure who our tears are for. There are times when we can predict our tears-a sad film or at a funeral for instance, but other times they can come as a complete shock. It starts with a familiar stinging in the nose and then the involuntary dampness of the eyes. It’s a deep sadness which needs releasing. 

Today I wept as I learned that Louis Tomlinson’s mother passed away from leukaemia aged 43. I don’t know him and didn’t know her personally, but I felt instant grief and deep empathy for Louis. I lost my mother too at more or less the same age as Louis in my early 20s and it almost broke me. Anyone who has lost their mother knows exactly what I mean. The loss is just immeasurable, but to lose your mum when you’re young changes you forever. Then I read all the comments from people exclaiming that 43 is far too young to die and it reminded me of my terminal diagnosis and how young I am. I know they’ll say the same about me. “She died too young.” But I know that as hard as all the above is to accept, my tears were probably for my children. I too will be leaving young children without a mother, and they don’t deserve it. Yes I think I cried for them. 

In the wake of so many celebrity deaths, the thousands of cancer deaths, tragedies and deaths from war around the world, it should remind us all what really matters especially at Christmas. It really doesn’t matter what’s wrapped up sitting under the Christmas tree. It’s just stuff. What matters is who is around the table. Look around and be grateful. If you have your health and family around you you have the best gifts of all…

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6 Comments

  1. Nick Watson

    Caroline,

    That’s one of the most honest things I have ever read about pure emotion. My wife is also going through the same thing as you are, 31, 2 beautiful boys and has the same outlook as you. I am blessed to have such an amazing wife and best friend. You guys are truly inspirational.

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  2. Denise Paulsen

    This was just so poignant and heartfelt Caroline. It was you right down to the core. Your last paragraph was epic. Sentiments to remember forever. Not just at Christmastime. These are life goals for us all. You’re a wonderful woman. A wonderful mother and spokesperson the many women and families going through this. You have to know how your words take flight and travel around the world. This blog is your gift to us. Thank-you so much for keeping in contact and expressing your deepest emotions and feelings. You are one of the gifted. Please know that you’re loved. And that you’re precious. Love to you and your family, Caroline. xoxo

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  3. Sally

    💕Such wise words Caroline. Just saw this post I lost my mum in my 20s too. Long time ago now. We learn so much over time and some people we may have thought devoid of emotion are often the deepest and hurt the most. I think I’ve become one of them now😬 after a lot of loss and grief with losing my family.
    I hope you’re feeling well, I’ve never commented here before and haven’t read all of your blog yet but I have seen your amazing photos of your travels🙂 I’m looking forward to seeing more.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Sending lots of love to you and your family xxxx

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