A huge blow.

I felt that I should write something here or rather update you, although I don’t want to go in to much detail. This is unlike me I know-I am not really one to leave things out or keep people in the dark. I’ve always been open and honest in a bid to help others with this disease I suppose, but also to help people realise that it’s not worth sweating the small stuff because having cancer is just about the worst thing that could happen to you.  If you’re healthy it’s a blessing. That said, I need to keep this news semi-private, because there’s nothing anyone can do to help really and I abide pity, even though I know people just care, I’d prefer not to be on the receiving end of it.

Of course it’s not all bad. I’ve learned so much about myself over the years. I possess a self awareness that many people will never have. I know myself inside and out, and I know others, how they feel and think and how they perceive me. It’s definitely a gift. I am much more chilled out these days and I don’t want to waste days arguing or feeling any negative emotions so I enjoy life. I go on holiday a lot and I get to do ad-hoc work from home; work which I love which isn’t too often (which is why I get to go on holiday so much)! It’s true that I live half a life that people would no doubt love to have, yet the other side of the coin would be people’s worst nightmare. 

Anyway, unfortunately, on New Year’s Day, I didn’t feel very well and promptly went to my hospital two days later. I couldn’t believe that I’d been enjoying myself two weeks previously feeling well in Cancun-why now? I’m afraid that I received some not so good news yesterday and as much as I tried to hold it all together I failed and spent all day crying. I asked myself if I had any strength left in me to keep fighting, yesterday I truly believed there was no way I’d be able to get up and pull myself out of the hole I’d just been dropped in head first. Then I blamed myself. I’d relaxed so much with my diet. Eating meat again and drinking alcohol occasionally. I’d stopped juicing almost entirely. Why did I become so cocky? Still, it’s not a time to blame myself, I can only move on and try harder this time around. Today I have had time to process things and I feel a lot brighter as I have medication which has worked well. I realise that I can do this-I HAVE TO DO THIS. What other choice do I have than to get better again? 

I won’t be going anywhere for a while but I’m going to make sure that whatever happens, I will make it to America and travel along the South Central states. 

I’m sorry I can’t give you more information right now but let’s just say it’s not been a happy new year for me so far. I just hope that the rest of the year improves significantly…

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