How can I be dying when I feel so full of life?

This is a sad post from me, and probably a sad read, you have been warned, (unless you don’t like me much then maybe not).

Ive mostly been asking myself the same question over and over again today. How can I be dying when I feel so full of life?On paper I’m very ill, on deaths door I suppose for want of a better explanation. I feel ok though. A little tired, but I doubt much different from an average woman of her late thirties. It scares me wondering how long my body can keep going for before I start to get very sick. Maybe if I had an accurate timeframe I could deal with this better but I don’t have one. Before, I’d always say live each day, don’t worry about the future, but it seems almost impossible now because I know my time is running out much quicker than I ever imagined. It’s so out of my control it makes me extremely angry. 

I know I will fight back and learn to enjoy days again, but today is not going to be that day. I’m running out of positives-you know the could be worse comparison thought process that we all do which soothes us? Now though, there’s not much that could be worse for me. This must be as bad as it gets.

I wish to go back and have just the primary breast cancer. It was so much easier than now. This cancer is a cruel disease that you know is killing your perfectly healthy young body while you sleep, and there is nothing you can do to stop it in its tracks-nothing.

I feel heartbroken and ravaged mentally. I’ve given so much to this disease-faced it head on always, never giving up and yet it won’t spare me. It won’t give me a break. Nobody knows why it decided to keep going for me, if I could explain how frustrating it is to never know the reasons, I would, but I’m unable to find the words right now. 

I wish for a miracle. That’s all I have left to wish for… X

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