Today is my first CT scan of the week; well actually I’m extra lucky as I have two today. Of course they have to be on the day where there’s a severe weather warning!
The first scan is to check my body for cancer. I’m hoping for shrinkage, (best situation),stability, (good situation) or growth of tumours/more mets, (shitty situation). I am not sure when I will find out the results I’m assuming rather quickly. I’ve been praying-yes you read that right-having actual conversations with the man upstairs asking him to help me. I always secretly scoffed at people in my situation who tried alternative and wacky suggestions to help with their cancer, but only now do I understand how desperate one becomes when faced with the prospect of dying so I am trying a few new things and seeing how I fare.
I have decided to focus on three projects to keep me busy one of which includes my book which I’m embarrassingly forever procrastinating over, but the other two work in progresses are:
- Creating a zen living space with cushions and yoga mats and twinkly lights. Pale green and white walls and lots of candles and incense burning. A blissful chill out zone where I can meditate and enjoy good quality sleep. This will be started this week and hopefully be ready while I’m having the radiotherapy.
The final project is now known as project Bali. America southern states tour is still on the agenda but I really feel that the beauty of Bali will be good for my wellbeing and recovery. I also want to see a healer there, not because I think it’s a miracle cure but because I’m open minded and believe that any extra time given to me can be earned some way through various means. I’ve put the wheels in progress, chatted to an excellent local guide over there and aim to visit next month if everything goes well.
I think my latest news has been very hard on the people close to me and I’ve tried to be gentle and choose my words carefully. I do wish some people could try to put themselves in my shoes though and think if what they are saying is of any help. Being devastated for me or using one word expletives is not helpful, let’s be realistic. I do appreciate that people are upset for me, but I don’t need reminding too much of that. Act if you must.Positivity is best always.
To the people who know me, read my news and say nothing, well I do notice. Maybe you have your reasons, you’re frightened or don’t know what to say, but I do notice and it’s hurtful. I’m having to be brave and I expect those around me to pull their socks up and be brave too. Finding the words to say to someone in my position is obviously tough, but being the one in my position can be soul destroying some days.