How much can sheer determination keep you alive?

It’s not often I blog on my laptop, but I don’t have a phone at the moment, which is both liberating and inconvenient at the same time. It annoys me how much I am bound to my phone, especially in my predicament-I don’t want to waste too much time doing meaningless things, it’s time I will never get back. My phone is my only way really of keeping in contact with the outside world, but sometimes I just want a break from that- I just want to be. My family are always here, and even sometimes I need distance from them, not because they are annoying or anything, but I am just a private person who needs to be alone with her thoughts. I think people understand that about me now, it can be a little blow to the ego when people tell you that they want to be alone, but it’s not personal, and if anything I am a much better person when I’ve had time out and return to human contact!

So i’ve shamefully done nothing this weekend other than eat,sleep and watch tv. I wanted to prepare myself for the week ahead- I doubt I will be doing much during treatment other than sleep. I’ve heard it knocks you out and can make you feel really sick. I hate feeling sick although I could do with cutting down on calories as all I seem to be doing is eating lately! Maybe you would have done differently and spent the weekend before treatment more productively, but rest just felt like the right thing to do and I’ve certainly slept a lot!

I’ve recently learned of a couple of people that have died with the a similar diagnosis as me, which has upset me. It’s a mixture of feeling sad for them, feeling angry at the disease, feeling fear about my prognosis and then wondering: Does pushing forward and being determined to keep living add any real weight on to this surviving cancer thing? Is it even the right thing to be doing? Part of me wants to keep having adventures, travelling the world, but there’s always the worry I will get ill when I’m thousands of miles away, what then? It doesn’t deter me though, but it makes everything seem very real, and my plans are never undertake lightly.

So, I am still waiting for another scan result, and I start my 5 days of treatment next week. Thats 25 days worth squeezed in to 5-wow. I am under no illusion that this is going to be fucking brutal, but I am glad that I can get it over with quickly. Then a couple of weeks to rest and get better, and I should hopefully be off to Ubud in Bali. The purpose of my trip is to relax, meditate and be in touch with nature. I also wish to see a healer, or medicine man if you’ve read Eat, Pray Love you’ll know what I mean. I wish my problems were as as trivial as Liz’s, but they are serious, and although I am certainly not looking at this as my last holiday, I am well aware that there is every possibility. Anyway if you are interested in where I am staying, it’s pretty much what I imagine heaven to be like. I’m aware that I am extremely lucky to be enjoying places like this- I do love my life and I’m always very grateful.  I am going to be staying here

So barring treatment, determination is really all I have, so I have decided to stay that way for now because I have some living still to do yet…

 

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 Comments

  1. Denise Paulsen

    Hey Caroline, Hope you’re doing well. Thanks for the update. You do whatever you need to do. I’m sure your family understand your need for some personal space. We all need to recharge and you’ve certainly got a lot on your plate with the upcoming treatment. I’m glad to hear you’re getting the rest you need. Just listen to your body and mind. You must be absolutely exhausted – emotionally drained. Any human would be with all you must withstand. It’s truly mind-blowing. The way you manage to hold it all together is super human. Honestly. … I had a quick peek at the resort in Bali. Holy shit woman! This is heaven on earth as you say. I love you to bits, girl. We’re all with you in spirit and mind Caroline as you push forward. Bali beckons. xoxo

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  2. Anonymous

    You sure must have a lot of family money to travel like you do. I know friends who are near death from breast cancer because they can’t pay their medical bills.

    Like

    1. Myboobsandme

      Dear someone. I presume you came on here to attack me using an anonymous name because you feel so awful about yourself. Maybe I have money because I worked hard for it and saved. I don’t need to justify myself to you. It’s not my fault that people live in America and can’t afford their bills I can’t help them and as a young woman with terminal cancer my main priority is mine and my families happiness. I suggest you look in to yourself to find out why you need to attack a young woman with cancer and why you are so jealous. It must suck being you haha

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Denise Paulsen

    Dear Anonymous, As Caroline suggests – and with eloquence – fuck, it must really suck to be you. You’re anonymous because no-one wants to know a common troll. And it’s none of your damn business or anyone else’s for that matter where Caroline gets the money to spend on whatever her heart desires. If you have any money it’d be best spent on a personality transplant, and trust me you’d be deeply in debt for you’d need every last penny. When people can’t get what they want, they despise it. So you’re just displaying a very dark and nasty side of human nature. The fact that medical bills can’t be paid is a sad case indeed. But how pitiful of you to turn this tragedy on it’s head and pit it against another with a similar terminal diagnoses. For shame.

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