A scary day and never lose the dream.

I should be up and dressed but I’ve just been laying here in bed thinking about the day ahead wondering how it will go and how I will feel afterwards. The scariest thing is that I might not ever be the same again-any treatment to the brain is risky and what if I lose part of my personality? Still I can’t think like that and I’m assured that barring some confusion and forgetfulness I should make a full recovery. 

I don’t want to wear the mask because I feel like a fool. I know that the radiographers will feel desperately sorry for me deep down. I couldn’t possibly look or feel more vulnerable lying there with my face covered even if it’s just for five minutes at a time. I’ll be the youngest there by a mile and people will pity me, I just wish I didn’t have to go through this shame. It’s not shame I’ve brought on myself but the whole experience is simply humiliating and one I wish to get over quickly. 

I’ve not been feeling great these last few days. Constant headaches like I’ve smashed my head against a wall and it’s throbbing,made slightly easier by taking steroids but I hate being on those they are awful. I also feel a bit dizzy and uncoordinated when I’m walking along and my neck is really sore like stuck which I presume is due to the swelling at the back of my brain. I definitely want this treatment because I don’t like feeling like this and hopefully it will work and make me feel like my old self again which funnily enough was only a month ago! 

As you may or may not know I love musicals and grew up with a love of singing and amateur dramatics. Yesterday I went to see the beautiful La La land which was both visually stunning and captivating throughout. I related with Mia and her dream and how it feels to be crushed time after time, feel defeated and want to throw the towel in! But it reminded me that I shouldn’t give up on my goals, my dreams and particularly my life- because I can still achieve wonderful things while my heart is beating and I still believe in a little magic.

Writing my story and encouraging others to love and live their lives even when everything seems hopeless (like having terminal cancer) is my dream and I’m still working on it believe me…

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4 Comments

  1. Denise Paulsen

    You will be fine, Caroline. Please try not to worry. The treatment will dash the headaches you’re having by dissolving the cancer. There are many like yourself sweetie who’ve had this treatment before and they make a grand recovery. Just think La La Land. And try your best to relax, do what the doctor says, and get lots of rest. Speedy recovery my love. I can’t stop thinking about you. Loves. xoxo

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