Raison d’être.

Since before treatment started, I’ve felt very nauseous all day which I’ve tried to play down but it’s got much worse since the radiotherapy so I’m taking anti sickness tablets, drinking ginger tea (that shit is hot and spicy)😝and eating little and often. Now the nausea could be down to swelling in my brain which will pass OR (which I think is more likely), my liver mets. There is some discomfort when I press down on my stomach and I had sickness when I first was diagnosed with multiple liver mets which later went away after chemo. Now they are growing again I don’t doubt that it’s having an effect on how I feel. The liver is a complicated organ which can enlarge when there’s a problem and that can cause sickness. Anyway I feel totally miserable feeling sick all the time it reminds me of the terrible morning sickness I had when I was pregnant it’s just bloody awful and there’s not a lot you can do about it! Even food smells are totally hideous! Someone cooked garlic bread the other day and I was heaving with my head down the toilet. 

 I’ve now finished my radiotherapy, and I can still feel some throbbing at the back of my head but it’s much better than it was. Apparently it can take a while to get better after treatment and can get worse before it gets better. Anyway I’m down to 2mg of steroids now (which is just one tablet) and soon I will be stopping them altogether. In the beginning I was on 8mg and still had headaches so I must be doing a lot better than pre-treatment.

Next week I will see my team and then hopefully start my new treatment by the end of the week. This should make a difference to the symptoms I’ve been having and I should start to feel better quickly. My goal is to have great scans the next time around and see a huge reduction in cancer. I can’t think of anything else other than that it’s one of the motivating forces keeping me going. Ok so things are not so good now. I’ve had progression-it’s a nasty pill to swallow, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be stable again. It can work. It will work, it must work. 

I thought today about the things I’m lucky to have that other people may never know with cancer, particularly my children which I’ve always thought was bittersweet with cancer. I mostly think they deserve a mother who lives a long life being there for them in their adult life but I can’t give that to them. I think how much easier this would be if I were childless-maybe I would have stopped treatment ages ago, perhaps without all this guilt of leaving my children without a mother would have made these last few years much easier? Perhaps, perhaps.. But at the same time they are my driving force, my raison d’être. They are the what makes life worth living and  my cup overflow everyday. Maybe the time we have together is shorter than average, but I’ve still raised two girls in to their teenage years, laid the foundations, created two personalities who will I’m sure, go on to achieve wonderful things with their lives. Soon they will be adults, able to vote, buy a house and make their own decisions. They may want me around but they won’t need me-not really. I know they will be fine-it’s taken me a long time to realise this but it gives me great relief that I’ve done enough, it’s not my fault, and they will be ok…



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