Dear friend, it’s not that I don’t miss you…

I’m very frustrated about my lack of energy over these last few months. I’m so fatigued at the moment and I feel nauseous most days, but barring that, I feel well. As always with this crappy disease you simply have to focus on the positives. 

With the brain radiotherapy, it’s extremely tough-not like breast radiotherapy which most people find a doddle. It wipes you out for weeks. I simply underestimated it. I’ve recently started the new chemo  without much gap following the radio, which is also making me feel tired. For someone who desperately wants to be normal and go on all these adventures gallivanting around the world, this lack of energy does not fit in well with my plans and makes me feel quite depressed. It becomes one big vicious circle:

Feel tired——>have no energy –> feel depresssed—–>stay in bed don’t want to do anything —–>feel tired—> REPEAT.

I think this is why I don’t really want to see anyone. It’s not that I don’t want to meet up with people and have fun, I just don’t have the energy and I don’t feel particularly happy at the moment. It’s different when I’m alone or I’m travelling, I don’t have to try, make small talk, or answer questions about my health (which I hate), or avoid talking about my health entirely, (which I also hate). Yes, being around people I like is exceptionally hard and tiring because I want to be funny, I want to be likeable, I want to be like the old me. 

So you see, if you’re my friend and you’re reading this, it’s not that I don’t miss you because I do. I also miss being able to go for drinks with you, dancing until the small hours and eating chips and mayonnaise sneakily in the back of the taxi. I miss the hangovers, I miss being carefree. But I can’t really do any of that anymore and to be frank, stage four cancer is a really difficult transition for a friendship to have to go through. So much change in one go, except it’s mostly me who has changed, and well, I didn’t ask for things to be this way. Perhaps in a way I feel like a bit of a letdown.

I may have lost my socialising mojo for now but I hope to find it again soon, even if it means I’m a a slightly more boring version of myself… x

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