The last words you want to hear.

Spring was in full force today. I couldn’t have wished for more beautiful weather and stunning scenery on a the long drive to the hospital. I’ve made this relatively quick journey a thousand times yet it always seems painstakingly slow when I’m going for a scan or I’m getting my results. In these instances, time stands still. It almost feels like time is mocking me knowing full well that I desperately want scans to be over quickly and wanting my results asap while I’m quietly becoming hysterical.

After the crap results I received back in January, new treatment commenced. Now, here we are in March and today it was scan time again. (Well it nearly wasn’t but I’ll get on to that). Scans are very stressful and can make the calmest person a bundle of nerves. This is because none of us really know what’s going on inside our bodies. We can feel very poorly, convinced that cancer has spread, only to find out we are stable. Sometimes we expect great results and they are disappointing. Not being able to predict results = feeling out of control, something which petrifies me. Strangely this time around I’ve been a lot more calmer than usual about the impending scans and managed not to think about it much until today. Worrying isn’t going to change my outcome, it’s just going to upset me and stress me out so I try my best not to. 

When I arrived at the hospital earlier today, they told me that my appointments had been moved to Monday and it looked like I wasn’t informed of the change according to their records. It was a huge blow and not what I wanted to hear. I suppose I momentarily lost it, in a more assertive than rude and out of control way. I told them that my appointments had been made for today, which it clearly stated on my letters. I said that I’d mentally prepared myself for today and I’d travelled all the way here so I had to have the scans today. They were very understanding and polite and managed to squeeze my appointments in. I then wondered if I’d been a bit of a diva, but I realised how casual the whole hospital appointment system is. Most people are caring and sympathetic but with so many people to see and only so many hours in the day, I’m basically just a 6 digit NHS number. If I don’t stand up for myself and fight for the best treatment nobody else will. 

Small things like fuck-ups with your appointments may sound trivial, but they become huge problems when you’re on tenterhooks and desperate for good news.  It’s  understandable that mistakes are going to happen, I guess I’ll just make a fuss when they do! I’m not going to change now, I am me. There will always be this fire inside of me-a passion, and plenty of fight. 

After a difficult day, I was repaid with the warm sunshine on my face, the chirpy birds singing in the trees and the abundance of daffodils and crocuses waving at me in the wind. I felt as if I was seeing Spring for the very first time. And then all at once I really resonated with it. Spring-a time for new beginnings where anything is possible. I think I was meant to see it today, to feel it. It was a sign… 

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