Life asked death, “why do people love me but hate you?”, death responded, “because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.”
When I think back to a time before cancer, I thought of a bucket list as fun and amazing things I wanted to do in my lifetime. There were no thoughts of death, because death wasn’t going to happen to me, at least not any time soon.
With the average person living in to their seventies and eighties, who really thinks about their death very often or why would you want to? I hear people discussing it sometimes in a jovial manner. Where they want to be cremated, the songs they want played at the funeral, (usually something amusing and in bad taste). It’s so easy to talk about your death though when you subconsciously think you’re going to live forever and there’s no immediate threat to your life right now.
Believe me, I’m struggling to talk about my own death or my own funeral plans and the more painful intricate details. I haven’t made any solid plans yet, and I keep putting it off, because I suppose I’m frightened, and it just seems so very real and final. I wish now that I’d made all these plans years ago before I was ill, it would have been so much kinder to me, but it’s just not something I ever expected I’d have to do in my thirties. How could I ever have predicted this?
I’m convinced that people think that if they were given a year to live it would be very black and white. They probably think that they would either fall apart completely and cry everyday or they’d do all the things they always wanted to do like travel the world, skydive, swim with sharks etc..
Its not so black and white though it is in fact a very grey area knowing that you are going to die. There are days when you are very sad and fearful and there are lots of tears. Yes, the tears do diminish as time goes on if you are healthy, but as much as we want to fulfill those cliches such as “live each day like it’s your last” it’s not always possible. Some days are not well spent, and perhaps to outsiders they would be considered wasted days. As much as I try and hide it from my friends and family, some days I’m just not interested in and want to hide from the world. I’m not living life to the full every day, sometimes I’m pressing the pause button on life, worried that it may soon be over.
I feel like maybe there’s little point to this post to the reader. It is perhaps more for my benefit. I know that I don’t want to sit here and tell you to think about death more or to be too serious when planning your funeral,that would be preachy and morbid. But I will say this:
Do think about life and what you want to achieve, and think about making that bucket list. Think about all the amazing things you want to see and do before you die which should hopefully be decades away yet. However be mindful that unexpected things do happen and life isn’t always how we plan it in our heads. There isn’t infinite time to do all the things we want to do, see all the places we want to see, or to bury the hatchet and tell people we love them. Be brave and do it now…X
*i have never been given a year to live. This was just for the purpose of the blog, thought and intrigue.*