If we don’t think about it or talk about it, maybe it won’t happen. (UPDATE)

The reason I’ve barely written lately is because I’ve not been feeling too well for quite some time. I guess it started in January when I had those awful headaches. The radiotherapy really knocked me for six. Brain radiotherapy is a bit complex and people don’t really understand it which is a little frustrating. Most compare it to breast radio, but radiotherapy is a doddle for the breast compared to the head. You can understand, radiation to the brain is extremely damaging and causes cognitive and physical problems not to mention severe fatigue and hair loss. To put it mildly, the treatment made me very depressed, sad, extremely unmotivated and that’s not even including the massive energy slump. I’m lucky that I didn’t suffer with a lot of predicted side effects but it’s shocked me how severely it affected my mood there was no mention of that from the docs. 

Since the radio finished three months on, I’ve been on a new chemotherapy, a type which is said to be tolerable with limited side effects. The shitty thing is, although it’s working, it does not agree with me, leaving me either terribly nauseous or violently sick. I can’t eat or drink anything either so life feels pretty miserable sometimes. I’m not really living and spend much of the time in bed. Everybody wants me to carry on with treatment but they don’t understand how it is to feel like this much of the time. Many women are living with stage 4 leading a normal life which is how I was for most of last year. I am definitely not now. For a few days a month I feel better and can eat and move around a bit but that’s about it. No social events, no going out really, I can’t understand how my life turned in to this? 

To add to my woes, lately my headaches have returned, they are all over and now it hurts around my eyes which I’m really worried about. Surely tumours haven’t returned already I think to myself but this cancer is not kind to me like it is to others-it’s relentless and wants to keep going for me. Sometimes I think if I don’t talk about it it might not happen, maybe it’ll go away, and so I haven’t really blogged much of late because this year has been so hard, and I’ve not had many happy things to report. 

I’m tired of feeling like this every day and wonder if it’s all downhill now or whether I’ll ever start to feel better? I’m not sure I have the guts to ask this question but they probably wouldn’t know anyway.  I’m so thankful to the people who keep me going, always listen, and fill me with hope and positivity-all people who have stage 4 cancer like me. I sometimes think I would have given up if it wasn’t for them in my life. 

Still, its four years next month I’ve been living with cancer and I’ve had such an amazing life in that time even though much of it’s been hard. I know in my heart that it will all be good again, and when it is I’m going to shout about it…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s