Someone once asked me if I feel resentment towards people? The answer is yes! The reason? Because I’m only human. Yes. I sometimes resent those that don’t have cancer or no longer have cancer, especially during the early days when I just felt overwhelmed with anger and sadness. These days I am much more calmer and rational. I understand that we are all uniquely special in our own way, and good and bad things will happen to us all throughout our lives. Focussing instead on all the good in my life definitely makes me feel lucky these days.
For a long time I hated people who turned their backs on me and decided they didn’t want to deal with my diagnosis now it was incurable. The mere sight or sound of their names would make me want to spit blood. Some I was friends with during my breast cancer didn’t send me one message of support when I became stage four. Others tried to berate me on social media for complaining about lack of support. They claimed they were scared of my diagnosis. I was scared too, let down and wondering who my friends really were. I felt like I was disgusting at times and felt this great shame.
A year on I’ve kept some old friends, made new ones and dumped the unsupportive ones. I’m not interested in what the old “friends” are up to, and I don’t miss them. I no longer care when I see their name pop up somewhere because I realise they were never a real friend just an acquaintance Real friends don’t make you feel the way I was made to feel. I also wanted to thank these people because even though their behaviour was shitty and cruel, they made me realise how much stronger I am, and taught me how to pick better friends; selfless women with bundles of compassion- friends that everyone needs in a crisis.
Sadly, it’s a common topic in the breast cancer world. It helps to know I’m not the only one who’s been let down along the way-but your destiny is not tied to the people who leave you. I am just so grateful for the kind people in my life who’ve been my shining beacons along this long and treacherous journey. I love you x